Aimee Mann Lyrics And Gendered Language Patterns

Paul Thomas Anderson claims that many of the characters for his film Magnolia[1] were inspired by Aimee Mann lyrics and from knowing Aimee as a personal friend. As the film unfolds, the main theme of connectivity between the characters becomes apparent. If they are not connected in a physical way, they each are in a symbolic way linked as they deal with the necessity of love. Several times it is spoken in the film how someone has love to give, but does not know how to show it. The character Claudia, which Anderson said was played “with a true sense of Aimee Mann insanity”[2], is so desperate for love and to be needed; yet when Jim offers his love to her, she is so terrified that she runs from it. Here Anderson decides to not only refer to Aimee Mann, but actually has Claudia state to Jim a lyric from Aimee’s song “Deathly”: “Now that I’ve met you would you object to never seeing me again?”[3] As Claudia runs from the restaurant it is clear that being needed in a relationship distresses her, the same emotion Aimee[4] reveals in her song lyric.

As Anderson uses a song lyric as text in the film’s dialogue, the question of how lyrics can be looked at in terms of conversational content is raised. In showing how men and women speak differently Tannen cites many kinds of examples in You Just Don’t Understand. Not only does she look at experimental and observational studies, she also includes excerpts from plays and short stories to show that speech patterns carry over into artistic expression[5]. Lyrics then can be examined in this same manner though they are a different type of conversation. If a play is two or more characters conversing with one another on stage, a song lyric can be viewed as one side of a story of dialogue. It does not become any less conversational because of this, but is a different way to interpret a relationship.

Deborah Tannen has achieved scholarly and public praise for her conclusions about how women and men differ in conversational styles. You Just Don’t Understand[6] clarifies stylistic differences in how the two sexes communicate with each other. Tannen is able to show that while both may use different approaches, no style is better than another; each is unique to what the speaker feels is a more important goal.

Women tend to speak with the idea of community and togetherness as being a priority, and in turn expect responses that reiterate a similar theme. On the other hand, men are aware of status relationships when they are communicating. Rather than striving for an equal plane among individuals, men perceive others as a step above or below them hierarchically and work to maintain a higher status position in the relationship. Such motives contribute to the misunderstandings and hurt feelings that can occur between women and men in conversation.

Jennifer Coates, author of Women, Men and Language[7], researches the way women and men speak differently. She agrees with Tannen that there are differences in men and women’s styles of communication and that one way (typically the masculine) should not be regarded as the superior choice. By adapting Tajfel’s theory of inter-group relations and social change[8], she notes that women can and do use several tactics to have their speech become more valuable. In particular, when women decide they do not want their language to be considered inferior, they have two choices.

Women can encourage new definitions of what is an acceptable way to communicate, by pointing out the benefits of feminine language patterns as opposed to masculine. This in turn empowers feminine language as it recognizes the strengths of its patterns. Since they are missing from masculine language patterns, it discredits the latter from being the only norm and gives room for feminine language patterns to be accepted alongside masculine ones.

The other choice is to assimilate to male norms; a woman emulates the way a man speaks in order to be respected the same way a man is. Coates argues that assimilation is an inferior choice as it demeans the status of women’s language by extinguishing it. Coates feels that a much more beneficial path for women and men is to create new criteria for what is acceptable for speech patterns by taking the best parts of women’s and men’s language.

I would like to analyze the lyrics of Aimee Mann to identify gendered differences in her use of language. Looking closely at Deborah Tannen’s work with ways that men and women communicate differently, I will investigate how this carries over to musical lyrics written by a woman. I will determine if Mann, as a female songwriter, writes lyrics that sound more closely gendered feminine in conversation (as defined by Tannen’s guidelines) or if she is able to emulate male gendered responses.

I will argue that Mann fluctuates between a feminine and a Aimeemann

masculine aesthetic depending on her subject matter. Many of her song lyrics deal with failed relationships. When she perceives the failure as being her own fault or that neither is to blame, her songs take on a feminine aspect as she uses conversational tactics identified by Tannen as female. Yet when she is blaming another for the failure of the relationship, her words sound more masculine than feminine. I will prove this by citing examples from song lyrics among Mann’s three solo albums: Whatever[9], I’m With Stupid[10], and Bachelor #2[11].

I believe that Mann uses two types of gendered speech: her traditional female viewpoint and a masculine persona, which she develops by assimilation to male language patterns. Jennifer Coates states that currently women are avidly attempting to assimilate to male language patterns as well as being aware of female ones. Aimee’s clear distinction between her female and male voice is expressing the current voice of women as they are attempting to bridge the language gender gap. While Coates believes that assimilation is an inferior choice in order to have female language patterns recognized and respected, I will show that today language stands as a blend of female and male patterns and that since Aimee uses both independently, it shows her versatility rather than an inferior status.

In Aimee Mann’s lyrics, she appears to take on a masculine perspective as she reinforces status positions in order to maintain control. Yet is this possible for a female singer-songwriter to purport a masculine aesthetic? According to Judith Butler, gender is performative by nature and is not guided by the sex of the doer, but rather by what society deems feminine or masculine[12]. In this way a female can appear masculine or a male can appear feminine because what appears masculine or feminine is decided by how society perceives the performance of the person. Aimee Mann can indeed portray both genders through her lyrics, and I believe that Aimee Mann uses both types of gendered speech.

In several of Aimee’s songs, she takes on a feminine aesthetic, as she uses conversational tactics that are identified as female by Deborah Tannen. One example of this is her song “Ray”. Here she discusses a relationship that has just ended and she addresses Ray directly as she explains how she feels about it. She uses in particular two female patterns: indirectness in requests and an emphasis on maintaining a bond as opposed to pointing out differences.

Tannen believes that men and women often go about asking for things in different ways. While men speak directly in order to obtain a desired goal, women may tend to indirectly refer to what they want in hopes that the listener will then ask her about what she wants. Tannen explains that women do this in order to get what they desire but also to include the other in the decision process so that they can express mutual concern[13].

Aimee is pointing out what she wants, but does not request it, demand it, or even ask for it. She instead alludes to it and hopes that his next answer will be that he will give her what she wants. Also by saying “if you’ve got it to spare” she is assuming herself to be an intrusion that he almost should not have to deal with. Rather than coming out and demanding that things change or by saying exactly what she wants from the relationship, she works her way around it in a way that men are not used to and therefore are confused on how to respond.

Another aspect of this is how she expresses discomfort at not being involved in his decision to leave. It is clear that she does not fully want him to go, but is trying to understand him. The last verse brings the two back to a state of symmetry as she points out that they both have suffered over the course of this, but that they both should recognize what they have learned:

Aimee works to de-emphasize the faults in the relationship. Tannen equates this with how women avoid setting up hierarchical relationships in conversation, by making it seem that one person is better off than another. Men are comfortable with this type of speech and it is common in their language[14]. In “Ray” Aimee is aware of the failed relationship and does not blame anyone, but rather speaks as if both are equally to blame as much as they both cannot blame anything at all for its failure. Aimee seems to have no argument to try to keep them together, as she sings “And Ray, what can I say” and “Hence, no evidence to support any theory I have handy.” These sentiments make the reasons for the breakup seem mutually understood and shared. In these two aspects Aimee expresses her emotions in a way that is gendered feminine.

In “4^th of July”, Aimee tackles similar issues as in “Ray”. The lyrics here are wrapped around her inability to directly ask for what she wants. As Aimee is at home for the holiday, she is reminiscent of what occurred there in the past and realizes that she cannot get over it. As she imagines what he is saying to himself, it stands as a hope that he will realize the pain he has caused her:

The lyrics do not depict anger at this man, but rather leave her alone and silently wishing that he would come to a conclusion about the pain he caused her. It makes one question why she never said anything when these events in her past occurred. It could have been because she was expecting too much from him, and actually hoped for him to see things that she was not making clear to him. This indirectness in requests is a feminine response, and is similar to “Ray.”

In yet another way “4^th of July” takes on a feminine tone because she quotes the words she hopes to hear from her old lover in the chorus. The song lyrics are framed around what she hopes or imagines he might be thinking now, years after they have been together. Tannen points out that women are more likely to use dialogue quoted from another to increase the emotive influence of a story[15]. Though it is not actual words that came from another, the use of a direct quote emphasizes how important this person is to her and how much his current thoughts impact her.

But the fact that she was unable to address her needs makes the words seem more feminine because it shows how she was unable to directly tackle what she desired, both in the past and now still when she is older. This combined with the direct quotes add to the emotion of the song and enhance its feminine aesthetic.

In “Mr. Harris” Aimee is also portraying a feminine aesthetic but in a different way than the other songs. In this song she is willing to let herself be vulnerable and expose her weakness, a feminine gendered response. Men’s awareness of status makes them less likely to let another person gain power over them[16]. By not denying a flaw or accepting what is different about her, Aimee is rejecting the masculine aspiration to close oneself off from the opinions of others.

The song’s lyrics are based around her description of the love she feels for her elderly neighbor, Mr. Harris. She is aware that others do not approve of her affection for someone so much older, but she does not want to change:

This depicts her willingness to be vulnerable and to stand up for what she believes in. It is clear that this song is about how she will not allow what others think to interfere with the emotions that she feels.

It is a struggle of her against everyone else, and not her and Mr. Harris against everyone else. It seems almost pitiable to the listener as well as it must sound to her mother and friends, because Mr. Harris does not exist in this song other than through the physical descriptions that Aimee gives. She talks about what he looks like, what she has seen him doing, and how he dresses. Never does she mention truly knowing this man, and this idea is reinforced by the fact that he is not named within the lyrics, but the song title is his name. And it is not even his first name, but rather is his last name with the formal address of mister in front of it. All of these attributes make her more vulnerable, and therefore show her feminine nature to be defenseless against power attacks from others.

As she uses the word “stupid” in many of her lyrics, this is one of the few times that she uses the word to describe herself. She does not directly call herself stupid but rather is unsure of it and mentions it as a possible state that she is uncomfortable with: “and honestly I might be stupid to think love is love, but I do.” She uses the word because it is what others have used to describe her when she speaks of her love for her elderly neighbor, Mr. Harris.

What becomes apparent is that this song is not about her love for Mr. Harris, but is about her desire to love someone. Similar to the themes of Magnolia, Aimee is full of love to give but does not know where to put it. This overall vulnerability, as well as the tactics shown in “Ray” and “4^th of July” shows Aimee’s ability to express feminine gendered responses.

Aimee Mann is able to clearly articulate her emotions and opinions through her song lyrics, and can do so by exhibiting a feminine aesthetic. Her ability to speak in ways that are traditionally female is not so shocking as she is a woman whose career is based on communicating orally. But what prevails as a more interesting point is her ability to express herself in ways that are traditionally masculine. While in general she differentiates these feminine and masculine gendered voices by song, she can acknowledge both within one song as well.

Tannen believes that men are much more likely to deal with status than women are. Men usually address others while consciously or subconsciously making themselves and their listener aware of each person’s status position. Men seek to reinforce to another person that they are above them hierarchically in terms of power so that they can maintain a sense of independence. Tannen states, “Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second”[17]. As Aimee reflects on her failed relationships, she uses a male emphasis on status in order to claim her freedom from the other person.

It seems that she places her lover above her hierarchically at the beginning of a relationship, and when she realizes their flaws they fall from that pedestal and in the end are below her. This is evident in the song “Satellite.” As the first line shows, “Let’s assume you were right”, it is clear that she is hinting that the other person is actually wrong.

In “Satellite” she refers to her lover as “losing your atmosphere” as atmosphere refers to a higher state, and that now the other person is out of that range. It is clear from the rest of the song that she does not feel this has been a change for the better. She reinforces the rank by stating that from her vantage point, the change in the other’s position is apparent and obvious:

This not only reinforces the status differences, but also shows how important they are to Aimee as she builds the chorus around clarifying them.

Another interesting part of this song’s lyrics is how much Aimee seems unwilling to fight or argue about the differences. She willingly accepts them and sees that it is time to move on:

She appears so nonchalant that it makes her declarations of his inferiority more biting; they are an afterthought, and an obvious one that she deems almost unnecessary to say.

“Could’ve Been Anyone” also relates to these similar themes of falling from a higher plane to a lower, and the fall being one that Aimee expected or assumed would happen. This time the status height is inverted and played with as both of them she refers to as having “lost [their] place in the sun.” She begins the song discussing the issue of blame and looks at how she could blame him for the failure, but will not specifically. She rather implies strongly who is at fault:

Though it is clear from her tone that she does in some ways blame him that their relationship has shifted, she states here that she “lost her place in the sun”, but quickly stops herself and reiterates that no one is to blame.

She is willing to admit a lower position of status, but it is almost mocking as she has already set up how much contempt she feels towards him at the end of this relationship. She can also take a lower rank because it assumes that they are both to blame and therefore one is not above the other. They are in fact on the same level because either one could have made mistakes.

Yet she goes into the second verse with similar feelings and by the second chorus she has changed her words slightly:

Here she is trying to show that neither one is to blame for the failed relationship, but actually she is implying that he holds all the blame. This is because she has to change how she thinks about things to understand him, and even then he is not so much forgiven as much as dealt with. In the end, her reiterated sentiments on status and a weak attempt at creating symmetry make this song exemplify her masculine voice. It is as if she is trying to create sameness in a feminine way, but is actually mocking that type of thinking. Aimee is able to not only use her masculine voice but is in some ways renouncing someone for thinking in a feminine way by making it seem trivial.

Aimee frames her second album I’m With Stupid[18] with two songs that strongly blame another person as well as expose some of her deepest fears: “Long Shot” and “It’s Not Safe”. Both use curse words and are harsh in tone, yet “Long Shot” exposes a much more vulnerable side than “It’s Not Safe.”

The first song on the album, “Long Shot”, begins strongly as she is accusing her lover of being at fault for their ended relationship. She tries to free herself of any blame, but by the end of the song it becomes apparent that as many times as she has said she did not want her lover to stay, she actually does not want him to leave. As one can see by comparing the second verse to the last, as the song develops so does the truth come out about how she really feels:

As she finishes the song by repeating “Please love me more” it becomes clear that the song is not about blaming another, but rather she finally comes clean about what is upsetting her about the relationship. She has tried repeatedly to get over him and move away from him, when in reality all she really wants is to be closer to him.

At first this song seems masculine because of her harsh language and her clear-cut line of who is to blame. Yet this song shows how well Aimee is able to move from a masculine perspective to a feminine one. By the end of the song she is able to freely express her emotions though she is aware that this makes her more vulnerable than she would like to be. She is willing to expose her true emotions so that she can say what really happened, as opposed to what she wished had happened. As much as she would not want to be loved by him, she cannot deny that she does. Her willingness to open up herself to him creates a feminine aesthetic, as she is willing to ask for what she wants.

The last song on the album is “It’s Not Safe.” This song has her most masculine gendered lyrics. As she sings, she is accusatory and blunt with her language. The fact that she curses and name-calls makes it blatantly harsh to the other person receiving these taunts. The song is focused on her giving advice, a trait that Tannen associates with men and hierarchical positioning. When people talk about their problems, men take it as a plea for advice and then respond by saying what one can do to make their situation better. This is shocking to many women, as they have customarily listened to another’s problems and then reciprocate by talking about similar problems they have had to make the person feel more similar. Men, on the other hand, take this opportunity to be a problem-solving task[19].

In “It’s Not Safe” Aimee is telling the other that every idea that he might have is basically one that will be negative. She is accusatory about the mistakes that the person will cause himself, and is blatant in stating this:

Her cynicism shines through, and she only continues to the chorus, where she gives her attempt at advice:

This as an answer clearly says that she did not want to know about her friend’s problems. Her advice revolves around not exposing oneself to others or talking about problems because it will only makes things worse.

This also brings up another masculine gendered language trait according to Tannen, where men are not as free about sharing their feelings or talking about their problems with others[20]. Clearly here Aimee is acting like a man, but she also leaves a hint of a feminine aesthetic as she tells her friend not to talk about her personal issues, as it will only cause more damage than good. Gossip is a fear mainly among women, who like to share details of their life with close friends but are very hurt when they realize that these details have been shared with others[21]. It seems that Aimee is aware of these types of repercussions and her advice is for the other to avoid such an event. Overall “It’s Not Safe” represents several masculine gendered responses, and shows Aimee’s skill at using male language patterns as well as being aware of feminine ones.

Most interesting of her songs is “Nothing is Good Enough” because it reprimands for relying on tactics that she has used, either feminine or masculine. The lyrics are directed at a person who Aimee thinks sets himself up for failed relationships. Aimee is saddened by the constant unhappiness that she feels he causes himself and points out several things that bring about this downfall.

Aimee also points out the negatives of the feminine tactic of indirectness. As “Ray” and “4^th of July” have shown, she has asked for her wishes in an indirect manner and usually they do not work for her as well. As each song has shown a failed relationship, her inability to express what she wants has been linked to its downfall. This carries into “Nothing Is Good Enough,” as she is telling another that this is not a beneficial way to make oneself happy:

Here she is able to point out to whom she is addressing that this is not the best way to go about things in relationships. It seems that she has learned from her past experiences and her prior words to be able to give advice to another about how to move beyond a bad relationship cycle.

The chorus of the song revolves around a masculine tactic dealing with status and here Aimee clearly believes that it is not a beneficial one:

She is clearly pointing out the unhealthiness of reinforcing status by putting another person below you, yet this is a tactic that Aimee has commonly used. In “Satellite” and Could’ve Been Anyone” she refers to status positions and seems to see the benefits of pointing out someone else’s lower status. Yet in this song she is reminding the man she is talking to that constantly putting someone below only leaves one by himself. This shows that status reinforcement may be seen as a positive approach when one wants to feel more secure with oneself, but Aimee is also aware of the negatives of this because it can leave a person feeling alienated. If he constantly negates others to a lower rank, he is then left with no one with whom to relate. This song, off of her final album, shows her understanding of using a male and female voice as well as the benefits and consequences of each.

On the other hand, there is another way to read and understand these lyrics as Aimee may be addressing herself rather than giving advice to another. As she points out all the faults of her addressee, she shows that these are all mistakes that she herself has made in her relationships. She is tired of her relentless inadequacies, and since so many of her songs have dealt with failed relationships, it is easy to see why. In the bridge she expresses this dissatisfaction with continual failure:

It is clear that she is sick of repeatedly attempting and being unsuccessful, yet cannot seem to change. Overall, regardless of whom she is addressing in this song, be it someone else or herself, it is clear that she can speak in a feminine gendered and a masculine gendered manner, even though neither style will stop a relationship from ending.

Aimee Mann shows that women today can adequately speak in a feminine gendered and a masculine gendered style. While Jennifer Coates may fear that this type of assimilation is a negative choice for women, I feel that it can be a positive choice as it makes women more adapted to many styles of speech as well as bringing them closer to understanding the other gender. Though here each gender’s responses has positive and negative outcomes, women’s ability to use both styles is an improvement from only using their traditional gendered responses. Assimilation is a necessary step to understand the motives of the other gender’s language, but does not mean that it weakens the strength of feminine language. As long as female patterns are not discarded, assimilation is in fact another way to bring about a blend of both gendered language patterns. Aimee Mann has shown that a woman today can move beyond female language patterns in order to make her points heard and to show that the two genders may not speak as differently as it would seem.

[1] Anderson, Paul Thomas. (director/writer/producer). Magnolia. New Line Productions, 1999.

[2] Anderson, Paul Thomas. Magnolia. (soundtrack). Reprise Records, 1999. Quote taken from liner notes.

[3] Mann, Aimee. “Deathly.” Magnolia. (soundtrack). Reprise Records, 1999.

[4] My use of the first name (“Aimee”) throughout the article is meant to reflect the more intimate sense of stage persona in the popular music context.

[5] Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.

[6] Ibid., e.g., 58,71

[7] Coates, Jennifer. Women, Men and Language. 2d ed. New York: Longman, 1993.

[8] Tajfel, Henri. Differentiation between Social Groups. New York: Academic Press, 1978.

[9] Mann, Aimee. Whatever. Geffen Records, 1993.

[10] Mann, Aimee. I’m With Stupid. Geffen Records, 1996.

[11] Mann, Aimee. Bachelor #2. SuperEgo Records. 1999.

[12] Butler, Judith. Gender Trouble. New York: Routledge, 1990.

[13] Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990, 27.

[14] Ibid., 178-180.

[15] Ibid., 262.

[16] Ibid., 176-178.

[17] Ibid., 26.

[18] Ibid.

[19] Ibid., 49-50, 51-53.

[20] Ibid., 102.

[21] Ibid., 104-106.