David Rosenberg

David was born one cold winter afternoon on December 29, 1986. Eight days later his foreskin was stolen from him by an old man. He drugged David with wine and stole it in front of David's family and friends, and they did nothing. It was on that day that David vowed to find the man who stole his foreskin, get it back, and kill that motherfucker.

After he was caught beating hobos with fish, David was sentenced by a jury of pod people, posing as his peers, to perform eleventy-billion hours of community service (after it was realized that eleventy-billion was not a human number, it was changed to twenty-seven hours). As his service, David choose to assist amputee chefs in the kitchen. When the chefs complain that David is not doing his job, David's response is generally "I'd like to see you do better."

At David's funeral wood was burned. The symbolism for this has been forgotten. Maybe David had become wood, maybe David just liked wood, but whatever it was, we can rest assured that David is dead and will be bothering us no more.